Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I don’t know what to do
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Thursday Thought.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
lmao
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Story of my life…..
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.