After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.