When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors