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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!