“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Meow
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
sleeping beauty
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔