The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
based al yankovic
Match dot com, but for socks.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
saw this in a dream
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?