[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
liiiiiiiiike
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.