The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
first you must answer his riddles
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.