Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.