Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
You Might Also Like
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
haha same
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit