Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
You Might Also Like
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*