Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Who does Amazon think I am?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”