You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me