My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background