I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
congratulations to them
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
just got my engagement photos
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”