How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.