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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.