I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.