I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber