“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time