Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
worst…sale…ever
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
relationship goals
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.