I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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That’s fair
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk