I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather