coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN