There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.