replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Did…did a minotaur write this
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.