The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
You Might Also Like
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.