Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.