“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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I already tried new things thanks.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Sorry. Not sorry
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!