When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Danger is very dangerous
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.