I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
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Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Somewhere in an alternate universe
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I am crying
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder