This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.