Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.