My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
when mom throws a party…
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.