How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You Might Also Like
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
HERE’S MARKY
And that about sums it up.
“Why you watching this shit?”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.