I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My patience has stretch marks.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up