Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
A family that plays together cheats.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”