To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Something Saturday.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
For the baby who has everything