Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”