I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
my mind
You just read my mind
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me