You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
#parenting
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.