Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I ate everything, including the H.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.