Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
grotesque if literal: baby food
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk