Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.