I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
You Might Also Like
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈