When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.