I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down