Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
this is uni
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”