me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
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Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
This kid is a star!
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.