the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.